If there was a way to make it go away, you wouldn’t be reading this. If I could give my life to remove the suffering that she’s experienced, you would not have time to tell me goodbye. But there’s not and I can’t.
Sometimes, the most unjust and unfair suffering is entirely unavoidable. And in times like these, I’m finding truth in the wisdom of Viktor Frankl – when we find that we have no choice but to suffer, we can find meaning by choosing to suffer bravely.
My daughter’s Cancer diagnosis has left our family with no choice but to suffer. Laurel has suffered unimaginable pain from the disease and the side-effects of chemo, not to mention a never-ending stream of blood draws, medications, sedations, and hospitalizations. As her family, we’ve all suffered anxiety, isolation, and the gut-wrenching experience of watching helplessly while our three-year-old screams in agony. My wife and I have had to seriously ask ourselves “what will we do if she dies?”
But today, I’m here to celebrate the fact that our family has suffered bravely (even when it didn’t feel like it) and has become stronger than ever. Now that Laurel is in remission, we can take a breath and recognize that we’ve found strength, hope, connection, and a deepened sense of purpose from suffering through Cancer together.
Here are some of the positive changes that I’m noticing have been a direct result of this ordeal:
Laurel is tougher and more self-aware than an average three-year-old
- She takes her own medicines and knows what each one is for
- She’s learned healthy coping mechanisms for pain and discomfort, such as self-soothing
- She is able to clearly describe how or what she’s feeling (most of the time)
- She’s grown bolder, more assertive, and somehow even more goofy
Lillian has grown tremendously through concern for her sister and lots of close attention.
- She, a six-year-old, gets herself up, puts on her clothes, does her chores, makes herself herbal tea, and makes her own bed (sometimes).
- She’s found a passion for dance, music, and making videos
- She has learned how to connect with friends through technology when she can’t spend time with them in person
- Her natural curiosity has resulted in self-led learning on a variety of topics
- She’s constantly soothing and comforting her sister in times of need
Our family dynamics have improved in a number of ways.
- My wife and I have both grown more patient and engaged as parents
- We all have a deeper appreciation for the gift our time together
- We’ve learned to cope with uncertainty by remaining flexible and unattached to certain schedules
- We’ve all learned how to more clearly express our needs and ask for help
- Our priorities have turned towards compassion, well-being, and connection
I’ve personally grown more than I could have imagined when this all started.
- I’ve re-engaged my interest in creative pursuits, especially writing
- I’ve developed a clearer sense of my purpose in this life: to become a psychologist and teach resilience.
- I’ve made major breakthroughs in my own therapy, due to the necessity of being vulnerable through this struggle
- I’m learning (very slowly) how to trust people
- My personal philosophy has grown more complete and fulfilling
I don’t want to make my wife uncomfortable, so I’ll exclude her except to say that I’m seriously proud of how she’s coped and grown throughout this experience. I feel even more in love with her after witnessing her strength and caregiving throughout these past five months.
I don’t think that these positive changes are very unique to us. Post Traumatic Growth is a very real, documented phenomenon. My experience is that most families who must cope with a Cancer diagnosis become stronger, more compassionate, and more grateful. But I’m proud of them and us all the same. I think the lesson in this experience is exactly the lesson that I started this post with.
When you find that you have no choice but to suffer, may you also find meaning by choosing to suffer bravely.
Much Love,
-Josh