What follows is a completely made-up story, based on completely real, peer-validated, research. It’s a lesson about an often-overlooked skill for strengthening relationships.
The Story
In a faraway forest, there lived a Bunny. Bunny had three best friends who she could always count on: Squirrel, Beaver, and Owl. The friends were always there for her when she needed help – even if it meant putting themselves in danger.
One day, Bunny received some good news. She was so excited that she wanted to share the news with her friends right away. So, she hopped off to find them.
First, Bunny found Squirrel. Squirrel was very energetic, and she sometimes dominated conversations with her own ideas and stories. This was one of THOSE times. Squirrel did not intend to be rude, she was just excited to share her own related experiences. Nevertheless, Bunny ended up feeling like Squirrel found her good news UNINTERESTING.
Next, Bunny found Beaver. Beaver was a very hard worker, and he was sometimes distracted during conversations. This was one of THOSE times. Beaver did not intend to be dismissive, he just had a lot of work to do. Nevertheless, Bunny ended up feeling like Beaver found her good news UNIMPORTANT.
Finally, Bunny found Owl. Owl was very wise, and he sometimes pointed out his worries and concerns during conversations. This was one of THOSE times. Owl did not intend to be judgmental, he just cared about Bunny and wanted to keep her safe. Nevertheless, Bunny ended up feeling like Owl found her good news UNDESIRABLE.
While hopping home, Bunny was beginning to worry that maybe her good news wasn’t the problem. Maybe she, herself, was UNINTERESTING, UNIMPORTANT, and UNDESIRABLE.
Just then, Butterfly fluttered over from a nearby field, landed gently on Bunny’s pink nose, and said kindly “Hello Bunny, how are you doing?”
Bunny had talked to Butterfly before and found her to be very friendly. So, Bunny decided to share her good news one last time.
Butterfly was very curious about others, and she sometimes spent conversations asking lots of questions and showing interest in the answers. THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES. Butterfly’s interest helped Bunny experience the joy and excitement of getting the good news, all over again. Bunny ended up feeling INTERESTING, IMPORTANT, and CONNECTED to her new friend Butterfly.
The next time Bunny had good news to share, she went to Butterfly first! Their relationship quickly blossomed as they spent countless hours together, sharing joy and excitement back and forth. Bunny and Butterfly became best friends, and they remained best friends forever after.
The End.
Moral of the story
What happened to Bunny’s relationships with Squirrel, Beaver and Owl? It’s hard to be sure. But research from psychologist Dr. Shelly Gable shows that how we respond to other people when they bring us good news is one of the most significant factors in the quality of our relationships with them. It’s even more significant than being there when they need help. So, it’s not looking good for Bunny’s friendships with the other three.
When someone you care about or want to build a relationship with brings you good news, remember to treat it as a special opportunity. Give them your full attention and respond like the Butterfly.
What if their news is dangerous? As long as it’s not immediately threatening to them or others, you can always share your concerns later, in a separate conversation. If there is real and immediate danger, safety takes priority over this technique, and you need to respond accordingly.
Learn More
Want a deeper dive into the research, the four styles of responding, and practical advice for implementing this technique in your life? If so, check out the companion article Strengthen Your Relationships by Using Active-Constructive Responding.