Note: this post was originally written as a companion to Bunny’s Good News: A Parable About Connection, which is where the forest critters come from. I encourage you to check it out. But if you don’t, just ignore the critter references and this will still make sense on its own.
The Research
I first learned about Active-Constructive Responding (a.k.a. ACR) in the Army’s Master Resilience Trainer course. Their ACR training is based on work by Dr. Shelly Gable, who researches various aspects of human connection.
In her research on the effects of sharing good news, Dr. Gable was surprised to discover that:
- How one person responds to another’s good news is one of the most significant factors for determining the quality their relationship.
- The good news can be something significant like a big pay raise or something small like winning $2 on a $1 scratch off lottery. All that matters is the other person found it significant enough to share with you.
- There are four styles of responding to another person’s news. The Active-Constructive Response style strengthens relationships while the other three all weaken relationships.
- Because people tend to share good news far more often than bad news, good news response has an even more significant influence on relationships than “being there in times of need.”
The Four Styles of Responding
Active-Constructive Responding looks at two aspects of how we respond when someone shares good news with us. On one axis, a response can be either Active or Passive. It’s Active if it engages specifically with the good news that has been shared, and Passive if it does not. On the other axis, a response can be either Constructive or Destructive. It’s Constructive if it reinforces or builds upon the sharer’s positive emotions, and Destructive if it does not.
The quad chart illustrates the possible intersections of active/passive and constructive/destructive styles. Let’s take a closer look at each, starting with Passive-Constructive.
Passive-Constructive (The Beaver)
Beaver’s response style was passive-constructive, sometimes referred to as the “conversation killer” style. His response was passive because Beaver did not sincerely engage with Bunny’s news. However, it was constructive because the little engagement he did express acknowledged Bunny’s positive emotions.
Passive-Constructive Responding is characterized by short and unengaging answers, often due to distraction or disinterest. With this style of response, the conversation usually fizzles out quickly and the sharer often ends up feeling unimportant or guilty.
We often unintentionally respond in a passive-constructive style when we’re distracted with other tasks or thoughts. We might be legitimately busy or have something else on our mind. But we need to stop and ask ourselves if what we’re doing is more important than taking five minutes to strengthen the relationship with this person.
Passive-Destructive (The Squirrel)
Squirrel’s response was Passive-Destructive, also known as the “conversation hijacker” style. Even though Squirrel did engage with bunny, remember that she did not actively engage with Bunny’s specific news. Instead, she changed the focus to her own stories; hence, we consider it a passive response. Squirrel’s style was destructive because changing the focus minimized the importance of Bunny’s news and reduced her positive emotions about it.
Passive-Destructive Responding is characterized by changing the subject, taking control of the conversation, or “one-upping” the sharer. As a result, the sharer often ends up feeling disappointed or confused.
Passive-Destructive responses is sometimes a matter of “one-upmanship.” But, more often, we slip into this style because of our excitement to connect by sharing a similar experience. In the process, we unintentionally shift the focus from them to ourselves. So, it’s important to ask ourselves if we’re keeping the attention on what the sharer’s good news means to them.
Active-Destructive (The Owl)
Owl responded in an Active-Destructive style, often called the “joy thief” style of responding. His response was active because he engaged directly with Bunny’s good news. However, it was destructive because his focus on his worries and concerns about the news deteriorated her positive emotions.
Active-Destructive Responding is characterized by highlighting the negative aspects of the sharer’s good news. This tends to squash the conversation, bring it to an abrupt halt, or devolve into a lecture. As a result, the sharer often ends up feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or angry.
Active-Destructive style is an easy style to fall into because it usually comes from a place of love or care for the sharer. In our sincere efforts to protect them and be a good partner in the relationship, we unintentionally cause harm to their self-esteem and to the relationship.
If we have concerns or worries about good news that’s being shared with us by someone we value, then we should temporarily put them aside to respond Active-Constructively. We can address our concerns and worries later, by starting a separate conversation.
Note: If the news is immediately dangerous to the sharer or others, then safety takes priority over strengthening the relationship and you should intervene accordingly.
Active-Constructive (The Butterfly)
Butterfly’s response to Bunny was Active-Constructive, sometimes called the “joy multiplier” style of responding. It was active because Butterfly engaged with and remained focused on Bunny’s good news. It was constructive because she reinforced and built onto Bunny’s positive emotions.
Active-Constructive Responding (ACR) extends the conversation by asking questions, showing genuine interest in the other’s experience, and sharing positive emotions. This gives the sharer a chance to savor the experience, increase their positive emotions, and feel recognized. As a result, the sharer often ends up feeling validated, understood, and connected.
For most of us, reacting to good news with ACR can be more challenging than expected and requires practice. It’s very easy to slip into one of the other three styles without realizing it. But the effort that goes into ACR pays out in the form of improved well-being for the sharer and improved relationships for you. So, let’s look at some tips for implementing ACR.
Tips For Applying ACR in Your Life
Active-Constructive Responding does not come naturally for most of us. It takes concentration and effort, and it’s easy to slip into the other styles without realizing it. The following steps can be very helpful for implementing ACR in your life.
Uncover Your Personal Tendencies
The first step in improvement is awareness. How we respond to good news sometimes varies based on the person bringing it to us. So, we have to get person-specific in this case.
Make a list of the 3-5 most important people in your life and consider how you typically respond to each of them. Be brutally honest with yourself. Then, for each person, write the response style you use most often (top two if it’s close) beside their name.
For any person doesn’t have ACR written beside their name, ask yourself “why?”. . . and consider what it might be costing both of you.
Apply Intention and Attention
In her book Connection, Kristine Klussman, calls intention and attention the “wings of change.” Without them, you’ll never get off the ground.
Writing down your intentions massively increases your likelihood of fulfilling them. For each person on your list, write a goal to use ACR, what you’ll gain by doing so, what you’ll lose if you don’t, and when you expect to see them again.
Next time you’re with any of the aforementioned VIPs, watch closely for an opportunity and apply ACR. If nothing comes up, you may even create the opportunity by asking them a question like “what are you excited about these days?”
Focus On the Person, Not the News
The whole point of this exercise is to improve your relationship with the person. It doesn’t matter what the news is or if it’s a topic you find uninteresting. All that matters is you making them feel listened to and understood while getting they get re-live the excitement of their news.
If you’re not interested in the topic, don’t fake it – that will be obvious to them. Instead, show sincere interest in the sharer, themself. You can do this by asking questions like “What’s most exciting about that for you?”, “What will this mean for you?”, or “How did you make this happen?”
A Little is a Lot
Sometimes ACR leads to long and interesting conversations. But there’s no need to draw the good news out for an hour. If they feel like you’re forcing it, the impact will be reduced.
As a rule-of-thumb, spend 3-4 minutes or 3-4 questions helping them revel in the good news. Another way to frame this is to ask an additional two questions about their news after you normally would have stopped or changed the subject. Then, let the conversation shift or conclude naturally.
Seek Momentum, Not Perfection
As the saying goes, “perfect is the enemy of good.” What matters is that you improve your response trend over time – think of it as improving your ACR batting average. Strikeouts are minor setbacks, not disasters.
When you do miss or mess an opportunity, you have three choices.
- Shame yourself and give up entirely (wrong choice)
- Shake it off and try again next time (great choice)
- Go to them, explain that you realized you weren’t fully engaged when they shared, ask them to tell you more, and use ACR (next-level, power choice)
Choice three gets you bonus points for reflective and using a mistake as an opportunity to practice humility.
Conclusion
Surprisingly, how we respond when people share good news is even more important than how we respond when they need help. Good news responses can make or break relationships over time.
There are four ways of responding, but the only one that strengthens relationships is Active-Constructive Responding (ACR). ACR involves focusing on what the good news means to the sharer by asking questions such as “what’s the best part about that for you?” and showing genuine interest in the answers.
Active-Constructive Responding is not natural for most people. But with awareness, intention, attention, and patience, you can become more consistent and improve the important relationships in your life.